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Monday, February 29, 2016

And So A New Chapter Began


Dear Girls, 

Wow, oh wow, isn’t it weird when someone is your everything and then becomes a nothing? Shocker. Electrocuted. To be fair, I should've knew what I was getting myself into when signed I signed up for this whole "falling in love business." Should have read the fine prints which states that "Thou shalt become a stranger eventually." I should really pay closer attention to these relation ship contracts.

Seeing you for the first time right where it all started, only now it had ended. You made me fall for you at this very place, you made me  trust you, you made me commit to you and in the end you played me and broke my heart beyond recognition like I was just another one on the list.

Self praise is not recommendation but I did so much for you that needs to be acknowledged. I fed you, motivated you, respected you, picked you up when you were down, be loyal to you and you still  turned around and cheated on me. Why? Were my feelings not taken into consideration?

I felt my heart quicken, tears welled up in my eyes, tears I swore I wasn't going to spend on you. All along I was being strong; trying to stay sane after you messed me up and I was doing a pretty good job at it for the past week. I barely cry at the thought of you. I occupied my time with TV shows. But seeing you now, at the same spot we met completely destroyed me. How can I be strong when I'm in the presence of my weakness. Tell me!!

Hot, salty tears were flooding my cheeks bringing down my mascara and eyeliner along with it and dripping off my chin. I  opened my  mouth to say something, anything, but all that came out were deep, gut-wrenching sobs that tore through my  chest.

"I can't do this," I told my friend. 

I drew in a deep enough breath to say, "I'm leaving, I was not prepared for this!" Gasping and crying, I couldn't stop, not even when my friend hugged me in her warm embrace.

You said nothing, I said nothing.I had so much to say to you. So much unanswered questions. Tori Kelly's song "All in my head" kept pounding through  my skull, I needed to know the answers. I was out  here representing and holding it down for you while you were embarrassing me and failing to acknowledge my efforts. Was it hard to be loyal? Was it that hard to claim me? What was it about me that made it so difficult to respect, cherish, appreciate and connect with me?

I had no idea I was going to see you today. I simply made plan to have lunch with my friend. I wasn't ready to face you; to see the man who I once thought would never hurt me; who hated to see me cry but who's the reason behind my tears today. For God's sake I spent a part of my life with you that I will not get back; I will never get to be 24 again. All I'm left with are the memories and photographs.

How did you take it all? What did you think when you saw me? What was going through your head? Does it bother you that we once shared everything; down to the towel we dried our skin with (not hygienic) but that's how close we were.

"Breathe" I whispered to myself. I try to convince myself that my heart is not going to explode nor will my lungs collapse. It's hurts, you know. I will not blame myself because I wholeheartedly gave you my all and you were aware of that. I made sure you had the best of whatever little we had. We were new at this but there was one unwritten rule and that was to put each other first before ourselves. It was suppose to be you and I, we were suppose to be apart of the same team; It wasn't suppose to be you and I plus one.

My heart kept racing back to you, to all the memories we shared throughout this year long adventure and if I'm being completely honest, I was hoping that it never ended. From the first time we kissed to the last time we kissed. I remember every single detail. Can you believe it we once share a bed and our lives together and now we can't bare look at each other in the face. 

Now you're just this person out there who knows everything about me, from my turn offs and turn ons, if I snore or not, the password to my phone, what I looked like naked, my family, what makes me cry and laugh, shit. Everything! And now we don't even speak...

And so a new chapter began; it was one that I was never prepared for and one that shook my everything. It was the climax in a book called life after the death of self.

Love Always, 

Seema Sammy.

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